Checked every box and still heard “you’re overqualified”? Been told you’d get bored, cost too much or leave in a year? Watched a hiring team nod along in the interview and then go with someone else? This article explains what “overqualified” usually means and gives you five questions that put the concern on the table, early, so it doesn’t cost you the j…

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Not sure what you want next? Scrolling job boards and nothing feels right? Asked “So, what are you looking for?” and hearing yourself ramble? Stuck between a safe move and the one you actually want? This article gives you the Clarity Chart, a simple 10-minute worksheet that helps you define your personal North Star in nine words, so you can search, inte…

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Told to trim your résumé back to the last ten years? Starting over in a new industry? Back on the market after a layoff? Dreading “So, tell me about yourself” because you have too many chapters to squeeze into one answer? This article walks you through the Green Thread Exercise, a simple way to find the pattern in your career and turn decades of experie…

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How to use it: Read it right here and jot your answers on paper, or work straight from a doc of your own. Click here to make your own copy — free, no sign-up, no email. Save it, print it, run it every month.

In this article, jump to: Common Questions | The Review Process | The Whole-Life Score

🎉 Celebrate the Month

Before you jump in, look back at the big rocks you set for yourself last month. Which ones actually happened? Give yourself credit for that first. It counts.

What did you celebrate?

What were your big wins?

What were the highlights?

Gratitude

What are you grateful for this past month?

What moments stick out?

Name three good things you made happen this past month.

Relationships

What did you learn about yourself this past month?

Who did you really connect with this past month?

What’s the memory? Describe it.

What did you learn about the people around you this month your:

• partner

• family

• friends

• team

• customers

Where did you feel disconnected from someone this month?

What’s one small way to close that gap?

Energy

Think about your energy this month. What charged you up? What drained you?

🔋 What charged you up this past month? Who and what gave you energy?

🪫 What drained you this past month? Who and what took energy away?

Was there a moment that stressed you out or tripped you up — and how did you handle it?

Attitude & Attention

What was the main thing you struggled with this past month?

If a friend came to you with that same struggle, what would you tell them?

Where did you get distracted or pulled off course this month?

What would help you stay focused next time?

If your older, wiser self was watching your life right now — what would they want you to remember?

Time

Where did you waste time this month?

Where did you spend time — the stuff that just happens?

Where did you invest time — the stuff that actually paid off?

What did you keep delaying this month?

What’s one thing you’d stop putting off?

Summary

What did you like best about this month?

Month Ahead: The Big Rocks

Now flip forward. Same questions, pointed at what’s next.

🔋 What will charge you up next month? Where can you add more of what gives you energy?

🪫 What might drain you next month? What can you prevent, hand off, or cut down on?

What are the big things on your plate next month? Projects, deadlines, events — and the steps you need to take to be ready for them.

Big deadlines:

What has to happen, no matter what:

Major projects — personal or work:

Major events:

What’s the best way to show up ready and win the month?

What would make you feel like you’re living your best life this month?

Here’s the question I keep coming back to, every single month: what’s needed now?

Not everything. Not someday. Just — what’s actually needed right now to move the month forward?

The Whole-Life Check-In

This isn’t a test. There’s no perfect score. It’s just a quick, honest look at where things stand across the parts of your life that matter — so you know where to put your attention this month.

Health & Wellness I eat well, move my body, and get enough sleep — so I have real energy for the day, not just caffeine and willpower.

Score: ___ (-4 to +4)

Mental & Emotional Wellbeing I stay steady more than I don’t. I make room for joy, not just the next task on the list.

Score: ___ (-4 to +4)

Mission My work feels like mine. Not just a job — something I actually care about getting right.

Score: ___ (-4 to +4)

Finances I know where my money goes. I’m saving for what’s next, and I still let myself enjoy what I’ve built.

Score: ___ (-4 to +4)

Partner / Love I show up for my partner — patient, present, and honest. (If you’re single: I lead with care in how I treat people.)

Score: ___ (-4 to +4)

Family I show up for my family, even when it’s messy. I make time for them.

Score: ___ (-4 to +4)

Friends My friends give me energy back. I make time for them, not just when it’s convenient.

Score: ___ (-4 to +4)

Experiences & Hobbies I make room for the stuff I love — trips, hobbies, downtime — not just work.

Score: ___ (-4 to +4)

Spirit My daily choices match what I actually believe. I feel connected to something bigger than my to-do list.

Score: ___ (-4 to +4)

Learning I stay curious. I’m building the skills I’ll need for what’s next, not just coasting.

Score: ___ (-4 to +4)

Notes:

What’s working? What do you like best?

Where do you need to focus? What needs your attention?

Real progress doesn’t come from doing more. It comes from noticing what’s needed now, and doing that — on repeat, month after month.

If this was useful, come back next month and run it again. That’s the whole game. Bookmark this page in your browser or in the substack app, your call.

Subscribe to Lab Notes for more of this.
Real talk, simple tools, one small win at a time.

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— not a pitch, just a conversation —

Common Questions

How long does the monthly review actually take? Usually 30 to 60 minutes. It gets faster the more you practice daily and weekly reflection — this one just goes deeper.

Do I need to sign up or give my email to use this? No. It’s free, no email required. Read it, fill it in, print it out — whatever works for you.

What if I miss a month? Just pick it back up next month. The Celebrate section starts by looking back at last month’s Big Rocks, so nothing gets lost.

Do I need to score every category in the Whole-Life Check-In? No. Skip whatever doesn’t apply. This is a feel, not a formula.

Is this the same review clients go through? Yes — this is the actual monthly review process used in one-on-one work, adapted so anyone can run it on their own.

About My Review Process

Once a month, I sit down and ask myself the same set of questions. Nothing fancy. No app. Just a notebook and 30 to 60 minutes.

That’s not a typo. This one takes longer than a quick check-in, and that’s the point. The goal here isn’t speed — it’s real reflection. The daily and weekly stuff is where you plan your day, work your plan, and review it. That’s Win Today. Do that enough, and it compounds — this monthly review gets simpler and faster on its own, because you’re not catching up on a whole month at once.

A life worth living is worth reviewing every day — that’s your Everyday Edge — and deeper every month.

It’s how I catch what’s working, what’s not, and what’s needed now — before another month slides by on autopilot.

Grab a coffee. Grab a notebook. Answer what’s true for you. Skip what’s not.

ResultsLab.io | Results for Life
Win Today | That’s your Everyday Edge
Lab Notes on Substack

Phone. Email. Slack. The news. Someone else’s priorities.

By 9am, the day is already running them.

Here’s the question that changes that:

What will make today great?
Or How will I make today great?

And my personal favorite: How will I be great today?

Not perfect. Not productive. Not busy. Great.

And at the end of the day, …

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A bad email. Hard conversation. Unexpected expense. Health scare.

Silence from someone you care about.

A deal falls apart. A client says no.

A team member drops the ball.

Someone says something that gets under your skin.

These moments often trigger emotional spirals, overthinking, negative thinking, and reactive behavior.

The problem is not the trigger. The problem is what happens next.

Your stomach drops. Your chest gets tight. Your brain starts sprinting.

And just like that… you’re spiraling.

Sound familiar?

Good.

Because it does to most of us. It’s a signal. And we are human. And humans miss stress signals all the time.

The goal is not to never feel stress.
The goal is to stop stress from driving the bus.

Because when sh*t hits the fan, and it does… your first reaction is usually protection.

Not perspective. Not clarity. Not your best thinking.

That’s why you need a simple playbook.

Why This Matters

When stress hits, most people don’t need more advice. They need a reset.

This guide gives you practical tools to calm down, stop emotional spiraling, manage stress, and make better decisions when life gets messy.

What You’ll Learn

You’ll learn how to:

• Stop emotional spiraling

• Calm down when overwhelmed

• Handle stress more effectively

• Respond instead of react

• Use STOP, AVP, FAST Reset, and the 5x5 Perspective Reset

• Build emotional resilience under pressure

Let’s dive in.

Step 1: STOP

Before you say something dumb.

Before you send the text.
Before you fire off the email.

Before you shut down.
Before you grab your phone and disappear.

🛑 S.T.O.P.

But not a hard stop where you freeze or seize up. Rather, pump your breaks…

S = Slow Down

Interrupt the cruise control (autopilot).

Pause. Take one breath.

Then another. Create space.

Because speed plus emotion usually creates damage. 🤯

T = Think

Ask: What story am I telling myself right now?

Examples:

• They’re mad at me.

• I screwed this up.

• This always happens.

• I’m failing.

• They don’t respect me.

• I’m in trouble.

• I’ll never recover.

Thoughts are not facts. Catch the story.

O = Observe

Notice what is happening.

Without judgment.

Ask:

• What am I feeling?

• Where do I feel it?

• What triggered this?

• What does my body want to do?

This is awareness.

And awareness is the first gate of change.

P = Process

Now choose your next move.

Not your fastest move. Your best move.

Ask: What helps here?

Sometimes that means action.
Sometimes that means waiting.

Sometimes that means asking for help.
Sometimes that means doing absolutely nothing for 10 minutes.

Processing creates choice.

Choice changes outcomes.

Step 2: Use the AVP Reset

A lot of people try to skip feelings.

Bad move.

Ignored feelings don’t disappear. They get louder.

Use A.V.P. instead.

Acknowledge

Say: Something is happening inside me right now.

Simple. True.

No drama. No shame.

Validate

Say: Of course this makes sense.

Maybe you feel hurt. Angry. Scared.

Embarrassed. Frustrated. Disappointed.

That feeling did not come from nowhere.

Validation does not mean the story is true.
It means your experience makes sense.

Big difference.

Permit

Say: I’m allowed to feel this without becoming this.

That line matters. Because feelings are signals.

Not identity. Not destiny. Not commands.

You can feel anxious without becoming anxiety.
You can feel angry without becoming destructive.
You can feel scared without becoming stuck.

Step 3: Use the 5x5 Perspective Reset

When emotions get loud…Perspective gets small.

Everything feels huge. That’s when you zoom out.

Ask: Will this matter...

• 5 hours from now?

• 5 days from now?

• 5 weeks from now?

• 5 months from now?

• 5 years from now?

This is not about dismissing real problems.

It’s about right-sizing them.

Some things matter deeply. Some things feel massive because your nervous system is screaming.

Perspective helps you tell the difference.

Step 4: FAST Reset

Now let’s move from emotion to action.

F = Focus

Ask: What am I actually feeling right now?

Not what you should feel.

What is true?

Examples:

• angry

• anxious

• disappointed

• embarrassed

• overwhelmed

• lonely

• frustrated

• ashamed

• scared

Naming helps.

A = Acknowledge

Say: This feeling makes sense.

This lowers resistance.

Fighting feelings usually makes them stronger.

S = Shift

Ask: What is the opposite of what I’m feeling right now?

Examples:

If you feel:
fear → courage
chaos → calm
confusion → clarity
helpless → capable
shame → self-respect

Now ask: What helps me move one step toward that?

T = Take Action

Ask:

• What do I need right now?

• What can I do next?

• What is one aligned action?

Small beats dramatic. Every time.

Step 5: Charge Up | Use the 5 Accelerators

When stress hits, these help you think like your best self.

1. Empathy

Be kind to yourself.

Talk to yourself like someone worth helping.

Not attacking.

Ask: What would I say to a friend right now?

Then say that to yourself.

2. Curiosity

Get interested. Not judgmental.

Ask:

• What is really happening here?

• What am I assuming?

• What might I be missing?

Curiosity creates energy.

Judgment drains it.

3. Perspective

If you are overwhelmed Zoom in.

If you are lost Zoom out.

Reframe.

Ask:

• What matters most here?

• Will this matter next month?

• Is this a crisis or just discomfort?

Perspective changes pressure.

Co-Create

Don’t isolate. Talk it through.

Ask for input. Brainstorm. Collaborate.

We get weird alone. 🤪

Action + Accountability

Choose the next move. Own it.

Ask: What happens next because of me?

What the next smallest step I could take?

Not someday. Now.

The Real Enemy: Autopilot

Most damage happens fast. Not because you’re weak. Your response muscle is.

Because autopilot is fast. Autopilot does this:

react, defend, avoid, scroll, snap, withdraw,
doom spiral, numb out, people please, overwork, etc…

Your job?

Interrupt the loop.

The Response Gap

Remember this: Stimulus → Awareness + Choice → Response

Something happens. Then comes the gap.

That tiny space between trigger and reaction.

That space changes everything.

That’s where self-command lives. That’s what makes us more response-able.

Real-Life Examples

Bad email from a client

Autopilot: Fire back immediately.

Better: STOP + AVP

Wait 20 minutes. Respond rather than react.

Silence after an important message

Autopilot: “They hate me.”

Better: Curiosity + Perspective

Maybe they’re just busy.

You made a mistake

Autopilot: “I’m an idiot.”

Better: Empathy + Accountability

Fix the issue. Then move on.

*remind me to tell you about recovering from old mistakes

Family conflict

Autopilot: Defend. Escalate. Shut down.

Better: STOP + Perspective + Co-create.

Respond instead of react.

Save This Simple Flow

When sh*t hits the fan:

STOP → AVP → 5x5 → FAST → Charge Up → Aligned Action

That’s the play.

Not perfection.

Practice.

Quick Reflection

Think about your last spiral.

Ask:

• What triggered me?

• What story did I tell myself?

• What did I feel?

• What did I do?

• What would I do differently now?

That’s growth.

Your turn. I’d love to hear from you.

How do you stop the spiral?

Leave a comment

What Comes Next?

Stopping the spiral is powerful.

But if you keep repeating the same loop… you need systems.

Not just interventions.

That’s next.

Because reacting better is helpful.

Living better is better.

Next: How to Stop Repeating the Same Self-Sabotage Loops →

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You’ll be notified when the next article drops

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I stop emotional spiraling?

Start by slowing down.

Use STOP.

Then name what you feel.

Feelings move faster when acknowledged than when ignored.

The goal is not to instantly feel better.

The goal is to stop making things worse.

What should I do when I feel overwhelmed?

Pause.

Overwhelm usually means too much emotional noise and not enough clarity.

Ask:
What is true?
What matters most?
What is one next step?

Small action restores control.

How do I calm down fast?

Try this:

• breathe slowly

• name the feeling

• validate the feeling

• use the 5x5 perspective reset

• move your body

• avoid making immediate emotional decisions

Fast calm comes from interrupting the stress loop.

Why do I react before I think?

Because your nervous system is designed for survival.

Fast reaction once kept humans safe.

The problem is modern stress often triggers the same ancient response.

Awareness helps create space between trigger and reaction.

That space gives you choice.

If you found this helpful, please share this with your co-workers in slack or teams.

Heck, share this with your friends and family too.

Share

At work. In leadership. With coworkers. With business partners.

At home. In marriage. With kids. With friends.

And sometimes the most frustrating part isn’t the conflict itself.

It’s this:

Why does the same dang thing keep happening?

Different day. Same argument.

Same tension. Same emotional hangover.

If that sounds familiar, you may be stuck in something called The Cycle of Collusion.

This concept is heavily influenced by the work of the Arbinger Institute and their research on conflict, blame, and relationship dynamics.

It’s one of the clearest ways I’ve seen to explain why smart, capable, well-intentioned people accidentally create the exact problems they’re trying to solve.

And yes... most of us do this.

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What Is The Cycle of Collusion?

Simple version:

You react to someone’s behavior in a way that makes their behavior worse.

Then they react to your reaction. → Then you react to that. → And around you go.

Both people feel justified. Neither person sees their part clearly.

Everyone gets tired.

The 4-Part Conflict Loop

1. They do something

Something happens that triggers you.

Maybe they:

• interrupt

• avoid

• criticize

• miss deadlines

• get emotional

• shut down

• over-control

• don’t follow through

This is usually the part we obsess over.

Because it feels obvious.

“Look what THEY did.”

2. Then you create a story

Here’s where things shift.

The event happens. Then meaning gets attached.

You tell yourself:

• They don’t care.

• They’re lazy.

• They’re selfish.

• They don’t respect me.

• They’re impossible.

• I’m doing all the work.

Now they’re no longer a human with context.

They become “the problem.”

That shift matters.

A lot.

3. Then you react

Because of your story, your behavior changes.

Maybe you:

• withdraw

• complain

• tighten control

• get sarcastic

• stop sharing

• avoid hard conversations

• escalate emotionally

• become defensive

And here’s the sneaky part:

Your reaction often feels completely reasonable.

That’s why this loop is so sticky and tricky too.

4. Then they react to your reaction

Now the other person sees YOUR behavior.

And tells themselves a story.

“See? This is exactly why I act this way.”

Boom.

Now they feel justified too. And the cycle keeps spinning… faster and faster.

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Why Smart People Get Stuck Here

Because this is human behavior.
🚫 Not weakness.
🚫 Not stupidity.

Just behavior. The great news is behaviors can change, yet there are a few traps. 🪤

Trap #1: The Need to Be Right

Let’s be honest.

Being right can feel good. Very good.

Especially when we’ve been hurt, frustrated, ignored, or disappointed.

The problem?

Sometimes we care more about proving our case than solving the issue.

And that gets expensive, quickly.

How do I know… I was Mr. Right at all the wrong times. 😬

Trap #2: Selective Awareness

We see their behavior in HD.

Ours?

Blurry.

We explain our actions. We judge theirs.

That’s normal human bias. And it keeps us stuck.

Trap #3: Recruiting Allies

You vent. They vent.

Suddenly the conflict has a fan club.

Now instead of solving something... everyone is reinforcing stories.

This happens constantly in teams. And families too.

What The Cycle Costs You

More than most people realize.

This repeating pattern drains:

Energy

Conflict is expensive. Even silent conflict.

Mental loops eat bandwidth.

Trust

Repeated friction changes relationships.

Trust erodes slowly. Then suddenly.

Results

Teams slow down. Communication gets messy.

Projects stall. Decisions drag.

Wellbeing

Stress follows you home or into work. And creeps into your sleep.

That’s the real cost.

How To Break The Cycle

Truth is: Someone has to go first. Great news: It can be you. 🎉

1. Name the Pattern

Grab paper. Whiteboard. Notes app.

Write: They do → I tell myself → I do → They react

Map it. No judgment. Just observation.

This alone creates clarity.

2. Ask the Hard Question

How might I be contributing to the thing I say I want to stop?

Oof. Not fun.

Yet, very useful.

3. Separate Facts From Story

Fact: “They missed the meeting.”

Story: “They don’t respect me.”

Those are not the same thing.

4. See the Human Again

This does not mean excusing bad behavior.

It means remembering:

People have stress. Pressure. Fear.

Blind spots. Competing priorities.

Just like you.

5. Change Your Move

If your usual go-to move is control... try curiosity.

If your usual go-to move is avoidance... try clarity.

If your usual go-to move is defensiveness... try ownership.

Different input = Different output

6. Have the Conversation

Try: “I think we may be stuck in a pattern, and I can see my part in it.”

That sentence changes rooms.

One Final Thought

At ResultsLab, we talk a lot about friction. Because friction doesn’t just slow projects.

It slows people. Relationships. Decisions. Momentum.

The Cycle of Collusion is friction in motion… in the wrong direction.

Reduce the friction. Make more progress.

Spot it. → Shift it. → Change the result.

If you found this helpful, please share this with your co-workers in slack or teams.
Heck, share this with your friends and family too.

Share

FAQs

What is the Cycle of Collusion?

The Cycle of Collusion is a repeating conflict pattern where two people unintentionally reinforce each other’s negative behaviors through blame, reaction, and justification.

How do you break the Cycle of Collusion?

Start by identifying the pattern, taking ownership of your role, separating facts from assumptions, and changing your response.

Is the Cycle of Collusion the same as codependency?

Not exactly. Codependency focuses more on unhealthy emotional reliance. The Cycle of Collusion focuses on mutual conflict reinforcement.

Can this happen in healthy relationships?

Yes. Smart, healthy, well-intentioned people fall into these loops all the time.

Your turn. I’d love to hear from you.

How do you break the cycle?

Leave a comment